Canadians Are Now Cooler than Us

Celine Dion notwithstanding

A Media Shmedia column

by Scott Patrick Wagner

I know the title of this column is hard to reconcile. Our neighbors withoot attitude, whom we could count on to be the plain chick at the world party that we looked extra-pretty standing next to, seem to have become what we always thought we were.

How did I come to this blasphemous conclusion? I could cite universal health care. Or their tendency to not proactively invade other countries or begin wars. Or how most of the funny components of Saturday Night Live and Second City come from there. But perhaps the measure of their coolness is their lack of desire to even compete.

If you want to bottom-line this — and what American doesn't like to make a final judgment based on money, I ask you? — our fail-safe of superiority has always been the strength of the American dollar versus the Canadian one. After all, they call it a loonie, right? How seriously are you supposed to take that? Well, kids, as of this writing the U.S. dollar is worth less than two cents more than the loonie. And while it has less to do with them growing their economy than us destroying ours, that's kind of the point. They've remained consistent (and less grabby) while we've been mood-swinging from too much Starbucks and its apparent side-effect of world domination. Canada is the tortoise, and we're pulling out our hare. Or boiling bunnies. Please note that I'm not suggesting we lose our American-ness; I'm just saying that Canadians seem more and more like us without the baggage, and it might be good to lose a flight bag or two.

This election season has come to revolve around one word: change. Every still-viable candidate — except, perhaps, for intermittent-White-House-stooge McCain — has come to denounce the current administration. Duh. Let's take a moment to remember that 50 percent of the population in pre-war 2003 was against invading Iraq — but one has to wonder why the smarter, more "Canadian" half of the country didn't have a greater impact. I guess when you're inundated with the din of drug-addled Limbaugh and WMD-stammering Bush, it's harder to hear a voice of reason.

So who is the candidate that can give us correct change? Regarding the remaining Republicans, I don't heart Huckabee-the-holy-homophobe, and Mitt reminds me of the opening scene of David Lynch's Blue Velvet, where the meadow looks so fresh and lovely until the camera pans underground and you see all the worms. And how do you choose among the Dems? Do we like Weepy Hillary better than Steely Hillary? Does Obama seem more JFK-like adjacent to Oprah or away from her? And is John Edwards tag-teaming Hillary to be Barack's new-age LBJ? Or is the real question: Which of these folks can be the most, well — Canadian?

What, you may ask, started me on this Canadians are Cool campaign? Well if you must know, the DVD box set of all three seasons of Slings & Arrows is about to be released. Let me explain why I'm so wacky over this 18-episode Canadian series. It's smart, it's literate, it's funny, it's beautifully written, directed and acted — and you may not recognize a single face. Though Rachel McAdams (from season 1) and Sarah Polley (season 3) have made names for themselves in the States, and the splendid Mark McKinney should be familiar to any Kids in the Hall devotee, the majority of these actors are strangers that talk like us. Imagine walking into an alternate universe where all the actors are charismatic and talented, but you don't recognize any of them from drug rehab or spreads in People or the Enquirer. Names like Paul Gross, Martha Burns, and Don McKellar mean nothing to you, but you find yourself delighting in their nuanced and polished performances. The series itself is about a struggling Shakespearean theater company in the outer regions, and each season is built around a different play. You don't have to be a Shakespeare fanatic to enjoy the finer points of the plots and jokes, but it helps if you know a bit. (Actually, if hearing a song called "It's Nice to Take a Walk in the Rain" in the King Lear season seems funny, you're plenty well-versed for the subtleties.)

As much as it may offend our collective Yankee ego, this series is every bit as excellent as anything we have to offer. And then there's that health care and not-invading-people thing. And you know you're thinking the same thing now that you thought in 2000: If that maniac is elected, I'm moving to Canada. Well, we didn't do it then, and instead of seriously pondering it now, why don't we instead start (gulp!) emulating our northern neighbors? I don't think they'd mind. They seem pretty good-natured, eh?