Have a Paradox

Why would I want more than one dock?

A Media Shmedia column

by Scott Patrick Wagner

I'm feeling a little schizophrenic as we enter the new year. And so am I. (Yuk yuk yuk.) The millennium transition was supposed to be the great shift, at least symbolically — and it could be argued that Shift Happened, what with the post-2000 years of Bush-whack. But it seems to me that we're entering into a true shift now, in 2009, as this new guy comes into the White House. But as the world's longest political foreplay ends, my feelings for Obama aren't so resolute as we begin the relationship.

And thus we arrive at my schizophrenia. And mine. (I had to repeat that joke.) I don't really know how to address this potential new world order we're abutting. I thought I was feeling optimistic about everything, then the Proposition 8 business put a crimp in my inseam. And then this Rick Warren debacle gave me a full-fledged groin pull. I don't know if the President-elect is trying to be "everyone's president" by including someone anathema to the liberal cause, or if the President-elect himself is anathema to aspects of the liberal cause. And as much as I ponder both sides of this, I can't come to a resolution. So I continue strobing between optimism and malcontent. I guess it's called paradox, and it is said that the ability to embrace paradox is a sign of maturity. What—ever!

So as I ambivalently await the Inauguration later this month, I look to what's playing on TV and in the cinema and see further examples of paradox. First was the premiere of Superstars of Dance on NBC. Now, dance television for me is like German chocolate cake: it has to be really, really bad for me not to finish it. This program makes Dancing with the Stars look appetizing, and you know how I barely tolerate that nonsense. Will So You Think You Can Dance return, already?

Another television conundrum is the sluggishly provocative new ABC series, True Beauty. This pseudo-competition aspires to value the higher virtues in lieu of the baser ones: shallow contestants in an alleged beauty contest are actually being judged on their goodness. The thing is, are we tuning in to watch kindness be celebrated, or watch shallow narcissists get their comeuppance? I have to say that my early favorite is an inflated (in more ways than one) blonde named Chelsea — and she's not so-very-watchable because she's a loving spirit.

There is one TV show that I can speak of in unabashedly glowing terms, which creates paradox just by definition. What is this beautifully written, well-acted, tour-de-force series? One Life to Live. The soap opera. Yeah. It's so good, I'm willing to out myself here as a fan. Every day. Hard to reconcile, huh?

As I scan the upcoming film releases for January, I am reminded that all the classy movies were released in December to qualify for the Oscars. So we can appease ourselves with whatever portion of The Milk of Benjamin Frost-Nixon's Slumdog Wrestling Renaissance Reader of Doubt we have not yet seen. And coming to screens this January is Inkheart, which asks us to entertain a kid-friendly adventure with Brendan Fraser. Okay, that sounds right. But it also has Helen Mirren and flying monkeys. And the schizophrenia sets in all over again. And over here too. (God, that never gets old.)

But for unbridled paradoxical brain strain, I give you another January premiere: Hotel for Dogs. I was prepared to write this off as the latest Beverly Hills Chihuahua or some other dog, but the cast includes — Don Cheadle? And with that, I find myself having as much success reconciling the dueling mission statements of Rick Warren and Barack Obama as I am wrapping my head around Hotel Rwanda for Dogs.

Either there will be reconciling explanations for all the paradoxes springing up, or I'm going to have to get a lot more mature.